Dear Jura of Switzerland:

I think your coffee machine is a PIECE OF SHIT!!!

I arrived in Switzerland on October 6, 2000. The next day, before the container with all our personal belongings arrived from Chicago at our home in Reinach, Mrs. TBF and I went out to Manor and bought one of your coffee machines - the Impressa S-70 model to be exact. We had tried coffee made by a Jura machine while visiting Switzerland as tourists in March, 2000. When we found out that we were going to be relocating to Switzerland, one of the first things we talked about was buying a Jura machine. So, on the afternoon of Saturday, October 7, 2000, we plunked down 1,398 CHF ($1,063.93 U.S.) for one of your machines and carried it back to our empty house on the tram.
We settled into our new life in Switzerland and the sound of the Jura machine grinding those coffee beans was pretty much the first thing we heard each day. This "smart" machine told us when the grounds needed to be emptied, when to add water, when it needed to be cleaned (which I have done religiously), and when it needed to be de-calcified (which I also did religiously). The machine came with a one-year warranty, but I kind of figured that for the price we paid that the thing would probably never break down ("Swiss-quality"...right??). Especially since I was following the maintenance instructions to the letter. Right???
Then, in late September, 2002, the machine began to make funny noises. It seemed like the motor was giving out, the coffee didn't seem as hot as it used to be, etc., etc. So, I called Jura and arranged to have the machine repaired. They picked up the machine at our house, repaired it, and returned it to our house about a week later. When I opened the box, there was our good-as-new? coffee machine...along with a repair bill for 310.95 CHF ($236.61) since we were past the one-year warranty period! Ahhhh, but who cares about the cost? One week without the brown manna from heaven was too long, and I was just happy to have our beautiful machine back on its pedestal in our kitchen. Afterall, it was probably just a mechanical fluke and now surely the machine would hum along for another twenty years or so....right?
Zip ahead to late August, 2004....One day I suddenly hear that the blasted machine isn't sounding quite right. The "CLEAN UNIT" light came on, and I cleaned it. Clearly, that would solve whatever was ailing my machine....right?...hehe [nervous laughter]. After cleaning the machine, the "CLEAN UNIT" light was still on. I cleaned it again. The "CLEAN UNIT" light remained. Suddenly, I noticed that the stupid machine had a small puddle of water under it. I felt inside the beast, and a small rubber gasked fell into my hand. "AH-HA!!!" I exclaimed! "I'll just call Jura and order a rubber gasket. They can just mail it to me and I'll install it myself." Right?

TBF: [on the phone with Jura] "Ich möchte ein ersatzteil für meine Jura machine bestellen!" (translation: I would like to order a replacement part for my Jura machine!)

Jura Lady: "Ein moment bitte!" (one moment please...)

TBF: [thinking to himself] "This is going to be easier than I thought!"

Another Jura Lady: "Do you speak English?"

TBF: "Yes." [...hmmm, how did she figure that out?]

Another Jura Lady: "We do not send out replacement parts. You will have to bring the machine to an authorized repair center, or we will have to fix the machine at our factory."

TBF: "But...this part probably costs less than one Swiss franc...[oh, what's the use?] OK, come pick it up...but you realize that this will be the second time in two years that this machine has been repaired. Is there any kind of warranty for the repair?"

Another Jura Lady: "Yes. Your repair is guaranteed for six months."

The long and short of it was that this repair ended up costing 230.85 CHF ($175.66 U.S.)!

So here we are...it's November, 2005 and the "CLEAN UNIT" light came on this past weekend. I cleaned it...the "CLEAN NOW" light came on...and it started beeping at me. I cleaned it again...yup...you guessed it. Don't believe me? Here it is...



Tomorrow, I'm going to take matters into my own hands. Now that we've spent a total of 1,939.80 CHF ($1,605.73 U.S.) on this guaranteed piece of shit (not including cleaning and decalcification tablets, water filters, etc., etc.), I feel I have nothing to lose - it's not like I'll be voiding the warranty or anything. I'm going to take the top off the friggin' thing and try to fix it myself. If I'm unsuccessful, I'm going to take a sledge hammer to the thing, bring it to the dump, and give it the same burial as my old Dell computer. Then, Mrs. TBF and I are going to go out and...BUY ANOTHER ONE!!!!
You read that correctly...we're going to buy another Jura machine. The coffee is just so good that we can't imagine not having it every morning. We heard recently that the new machine costs even more money. We don't care. WE MUST HAVE COFFEE MADE BY THE JURA MACHINE!!! I guess Jura coffee is our heroin. You'll have to excuse me now while I go give la bella machina a kick...and then make myself a cup of coffee. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! SWISS QUALITY RULES!!!

Forever yours,

The Big Finn

Like Squeezing Blood Out of a Turnip...

...but I think I did it!

The Swiss do NOT part with their money very willingly. However, I've actually managed to penetrate the tightfisted Swiss armor twice in the past few weeks.
First, I kind of negotiated a reduction in our car insurance premium without even realizing I was doing it.
We received our new insurance card and I noticed that only Mrs. TBF's name was listed. Just on a whim, I e-mailed the insurance agent (who thankfully speaks perfect English) and brought up the fact that the car title is in my name only and that I probably drive the car 95% of the time. He answered me back saying that we are both insured, but he was going to add my name to the policy anyway. I thought that was the end of it, but a couple of days later I received a new policy with my name on it. And, lo and behold, I noticed that the annual premium was now a couple of hundred francs per year less than before. Wow! I didn't even have to really do anything. Imagine that!
Upon further examination, I noticed that I was listed as a "Yankee" instead of a "Canuck". "Hmmmm....I'll have to let him know about that too," I thought. Since my German is now significantly better than it was five years ago, I thought that it might be wise to peruse the entire policy. I struggled a bit, but I managed to discover that the policy listed us as driving the car between 14,000 - 20,000 km. per year (we actually drove it less than 7,000 km. in each of the past two years), and that it's kept in an unlocked garage (it's not). So I e-mailed the insurance agent again. This time, I received no reply. However, I received a new policy a few days later showing the corrections plus an annual premium that is now SEVERAL HUNDRED FRANCS less than before!!! Wow! It kind of makes me think that we've been over-paying for the past five years, but...well, that's all water under the bridge now.
And...that's not all!
If you'll recall from about two months ago, I've been battling with our Jura coffee machine. A couple of Sundays ago, I spent a good two hours of my "day of rest" battling with the "machine that cometh from the depths of Hell"! "Enough's enough!...", I told Mrs. TBF, and proceeded to sit down at the trusty Mac and whip off an e-mail titled "My Machine is KAPUT Again!" to Jura. I won't go into the details, but I think I managed to express my displeasure with their product in a very unemotional and business-like manner. I broke down what the machine had cost me in francs per day to operate when the original purchase price and repair costs were factored into the equation. I included a rather point-blank "...I AM NOT WILLING TO SPEND ANOTHER CHF ON THIS MACHINE!" about half-way through the e-mail. Then, I boldy asked for a coupon worth 500 CHF that I could apply toward the purchase of a new machine. And finally, I went for the jugular with a rather masterful closing statement: "Whether or not I purchase another Jura machine now lies in your hands."
I didn't know if anything would come of it...but I felt pretty damned good about myself. Hey, and I managed to once again get the "old hag" running again and just sat there re-reading my "Pulitzer Prize worthy" (at least in my mind) e-mail enjoying my cup of coffee. And, just for good measure, I put our old French press right next to the Jura machine to put a scare into the old tramp by showing her that she could be replaced in a heartbeat. Let me tell ya...the bitch is scared!
Well, anyway, a week goes by and NADA! Mrs. TBF asked me a couple of times if Jura had responded to my "magnum opus", and both times I squeeked out a rather effeminate "no".
I had pretty much given up hope. That was, until I opened my mailbox on Monday afternoon after driving Mrs. TBF to the airport. Inside was a letter from Jura. I ripped it open, and here's what it said:

Thank you for your email dated January 30th, 2006. We regret that you have experienced some problems with your IMPRESSA S70.

As stated in your letter, you prefer not to have the coffee machine repaired, even though we assume that you have brewed approx. 10,000 cups of good [ahhhh...Swiss modesty] coffee with it. In September 2004, you already had 7,782 draw offs [I guess they had recorded this when repairing the machine. I had given them my customer number in the e-mail.]. This means that the coffee machine has performed appropriately in the given time frame. We can assure you that you have not bought a defective machine if it has lasted 5.5 years.

We can offer you a special price for an exchange with your IMPRESSA S70. [...blah...blah...blah...]

To bring an already way too long post to an end, Jura basically offered us the opportunity to receive a 500+ CHF credit on any of three Jura models if we bring in our old machine as an exchange. The only catch is that we have to go the factory to do it, and the price "excludes freight cost" which looks very suspicious to me. But, I'm going to go to a local Jura retailer in the next couple of days, see if Jura is actually offering me as good a price as they say they are, figure out what this "freight cost" thing is, and then (and ONLY then) Mrs. TBF and I will be driving off to the Jura factory in our now-less-expensive-to-insure Jeep to purchase ourselves a new Jura machine.

So...who's next?

Out With The Old...

...and in with the new!
The old Jura coffee machine finally bit the dust this past week. I made the drive to the local dump (a.k.a known as "the tip" to our British friends) and handed it over to the rather ripe-smelling dump employee so that he could put it into the dumpster (a.k.a. "the skip" to our British friends...good grief!) with the rest of the electronic home appliances for recycling. About thirty seconds later, two young men garbage picked my old Jura machine out of the dumpster and promptly stowed it away in their van. HA! SUCKERS!!! I have news for you - the aggravation won't be worth it! But, some things you just have to find out for yourself!
Anyway, after using our French press and little metal espresso maker for a few days, we quickly realized that we were slaves to the automated coffee perfection days of old and decided that we needed to quickly replace the old Jura. Jura had offered us a credit toward the purchase of a new Jura machine, but it was only if we bought one of the three most expensive models. We liked the coffee, but neither Mrs. TBF nor I relished the thought of spending 2,000 CHF ($1,500 U.S.) on a coffee machine. Plus, we kind of had a bad taste in our mouths (so to speak) due to all the mechanical problems we had had with the Jura machine. So, what to do? WHAT TO DO?
I'll tell you what we did. After learning that our neighbors Corey and Suzanne were pleased with their Nespresso machine, we decided to check out the Nespresso store in Basel.
Mrs. TBF and I met outside of the store at lunchtime, checked out the line of machines at the back of the store, sampled some of the coffee, and thirty minutes later we walked out of the store buzzed on caffeine with a new coffee machine, a little gizmo that froths milk, and a bunch of coffee.
SCREW YOU JURA! We're Nespresso people now!

Dear Jura of Switzerland: Never mind!

I fixed our Jura coffee machine today. I got out the screwdriver, took the top off, poked and prodded, vacuumed the thing out, decalcified parts that aren't really meant to be decalcified, and...it worked. I basically took the thing apart, cleaned it out, and put it back together again. REALLY!!! I should have taken a picture of the machine when it was in pieces on the kitchen counter, but I thought that any sort of distraction might result in me not being able to put the damn thing back together again. The "CLEAN NOW" light has been replaced by the "COFFEE READY" light. What this all means is that the Jura machine has received a stay of execution by sledgehammer...for the time being.
Later in the afternoon, I bumped into a fellow Finlander at the grocery store. I happened to glance down at a lady's shopping cart, and I saw that she was buying about eight cans of Lapin Kulta (a Finnish beer). So I took a chance and blurted out: "Olet ko sinä Suomalainen?" (Are you a Finn?). As it turns out, she was. We had a nice little chat, and I'm proud to say that she told me that my Finnish is better than hers. She's lived in Switzerland for forty-four years, and she said she's forgotten a lot of Finnish because her husband is Swiss and she either speaks German or English all of the time.
I like random encounters with Finns. It's kind of like belonging to a secret club. NOBODY can understand a word we're saying and, as I've said before, I can tell it drives the Swiss people crazy to hear a language that they can't recognize. Haista puskka Sveitsilainen!!!
I ended up going into town a little later to a bookstore to buy a book for my French class. I also stopped at a couple of other stores jabbering away in my broken German the whole time. DAMN!!! Finnish, French, German, English...I'm turning into the freakin' U.N.!!!

Good To The Last Drop...

Get it while you can, people. Two years ago today, we bought our Nespresso coffee/espresso machine. That means that our 2-year warranty is over at midnight tonight.

I fully expect the machine to break within the next few days!

However, no biggie! We already had the machine fixed once under warranty. One day, a few months after we bought the thing, the machine would just not turn on anymore. I flicked, and re-flicked, the power switch. Nada! I called the fine people at Nespresso, and the machine was picked up, repaired, and promptly returned. They even offered us a free loaner (which I declined because we were leaving for vacation a couple of days later anyway) while we were waiting for our machine to be repaired. So, at least we got some value out of the warranty. Plus, the machine wasn't really that expensive (the coffee is what really costs you in the long run), so we'll just buy another one if it breaks down.

Yes, it was a fine decision to switch to the Nespresso machine after all the problems we had with our old Jura machine. I think I'll go make myself a double espresso right now.

While I still can!

While TBF was sleeping...

Greetings from NJ! Won't TBF be surprised to find that I figured out how to blog by myself in a hotel room in Short Hills,NJ! Well, I had my first real meal tonight after the stomach flu on Sunday. Although a nice meal at a place I like in Summit called the Huntley Tavern, I can't say that I feel great afterwards. I kind of feel like I ate an inflated balloon which is now sitting in my lower intestine somewhere wanting to break free - if you know what I mean. And, I tried to have a cup of coffee this AM and I still couldn't do it. Maybe that's because coffee in he US pales by comparison to the black gold that comes out of our moody Jura machine - TBF has news to share on that front by the way. So, maybe tomorrow I'll be able to have a cup of coffee and a normal meal. Anyway...time to go to sleep.
TBF - miss you and I promise to call at more reasonable hour tomorrow.
Ciao!