Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Chicago: To Whom It May Concern...

Dear Chicago-Based Global Warming Alarmists:

I hope you're enjoying your week off.

The temperatures, since our arrival, have been EXACTLY normal with high temperatures of about 30 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, it's definitely January in Chicago: cold, dry, small static shocks every time I touch something metal, a little snow on the ground, and salt...everywhere! It's just the perfect week to be adding an extra layer of insulating blubber because...I'm a mammal...DAMMIT!

Dear Nieces:

Thank you so much for waking up with pinkeye this morning. I especially like the fact that you were jumping on my mattress last night before I went to bed. If you need me, I'll be in the bathtub dipping myself in gallons of instant hand sanitizer.

Dear Mrs. TBF (who is in South Carolina right now):

Sorry about the fact that I ate cookie dough ice cream last night after dinner, and then instantly slipped into a coma in my chair while watching Napolean Dynamite with the kids. I did somehow manage to sleepwalk to bed where I woke up at some point to find the bro-in-law standing next to the bed and handing me the phone so that I could talk to you. I don't really remember much of what I said, but I do hope I actually managed to put together at least one complete sentence.

Remember how you told me to get up and brush my teeth? I did...about two hours later. At one point, I seem to recall standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open wondering why I couldn't find my toothbrush. Everything must have worked out in the end because I woke up with dried toothpaste on my cheek.

Dear Elmo Doll:

You suck!

Thank you so much for the (3 a.m.?) wake-up call. There's nothing like waking up in an unfamiliar bed and hearing a high-pitched voice saying: "Hi Sinead, let's play. Squeeze Elmo's hand!" Yes, of course I walked over to a completely silent pile of toys to find out where the noise was coming from. And, yes, of course Elmo began talking again the moment I got back into bed.

I didn't know who the voice belonged to until the next morning when I told my sister about the voice at which point she told me that it was you, ELMO, and that she had heard it too.

I think I'm going to be having nightmares for weeks.

Dear 80% of Americans:

You're fat! Your doctor won't tell you because he doesn't want to lose you as a patient, so I will. You are extrememly overweight and out of shape. Pushing the shopping cart around the grocery store buying donuts, chocolate milk, etc. with 0 trans fat does not count as a valid exercise/diet which will help you lose weight. You will continue getting fatter unless you change your habits, AND I'm going to give you the secret:

Consume FEWER calories, and get MORE exercise.

I know what I'm talking about. Every single time I come to Chicago, I consume more calories and get less exercise. Guess what? I gain weight. Then, I return to Basel where I consume fewer calories and get more exercise. Guess what? I lose weight.

Maybe I should write a book!


Mrs. TBF said...

Dear TBF,
1. Thanks for the pink eye warning! Is it safe to sleep at their house?
2. Can we disable the Elmo doll or remove it's batteries or something?

Mrs. TBF said...

By the way, the other reason the Dr. won't tell his patients that they're fat is because he/she is probably fat too!

Anonymous said...

You guys sound like ex-smokers. The 2 of you with your svelte frames coming in and telling us we're fat! How dare?!

It's cold, we had a flat tire, we got lost...... It isn't our faultttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!

Anonymous said...

Someone found my blog today by googling "how to find sugar mama". I hope he managed to find his way over here.

Way to tell the Americans like it is.

The Big Finn said...

Mrs. TBF - Yes, it's safe...I think. Oh, and Elmo has been shipped to "the farm".

Med. Swede - We'll talk about it tomorrow night...over dinner.

Jul - He can look all he wants, but I'll never give away the secret. Then again, maybe I'll write a book.

Anonymous said...

heheehee. i had a dream that i wrote a post called "Americans, you are fat...among other things."
u beat me to it. have u been to your local mall? eeeyikes.

Unknown said...

Hope you get rid of pink eye. It's highly contageous by touch only. So wash your hands!!!

I guess that is why I love Europe. People consume less.. And it's not just Americans - don't forget Canadians!

It's harder to change habbits when you live in the middle of it.. But we certainly try here in our little abode in Canada...

Mark said...

Before you write the book called "The Bold Chef" please install warning signs for the "non-Americans". In Canada the signs warn for crossing moose, in the US they should warn for random eclips of the sun :-)

Anonymous said...

"Consume FEWER calories, and get MORE exercise."

I'll second that (and will admit that I have problems adhering to it).

Anonymous said...

I'm preparing for reverse culture shock in a couple of weeks. You are reminding me of some of the key points!

Anonymous said...

The miniature Swede has pink eye. I wonder where he got it.......?